As I write my annual, snarky Christmas letter, I’m revisiting some highlights of past years. From my heart to yours. With apologies.
A Family Portrait
Child #3, age 6. When not playing the piano, he can be found playing football in the hallway with his brother. This week’s football highlights: Knocking out both top front teeth and a bloody nose. He is currently on injured reserve.
Child #2, age 8. When not pulverizing his brother while playing football, he can be found watching football, reading about football, or thinking about football. Unless he’s playing baseball or skiing. Fined $25,000 this week for unnecessary roughness.
Child #1, age 11. She can be found engaging in typical pre-teen activity like emailing the same friend 18 times a day and begging for a phone. She also dances, plays the clarinet, and skis as far away from her brothers as possible.
Mr. Day, pushing middle age. Cannot be found. It is believed he is flying back and forth between New York and San Francisco in a last minute attempt to retain his Delta Airlines platinum status.
Sarah, ageless, like in The Picture of Dorian Gray. Can be found either in yoga class trying unsuccessfully to breathe or in her home office trying unsuccessfully to multitask. Has taken to crafting limericks during periods of meditation.
Highlights from the Year
- January – Treated cats and kids for mange.
- February – Replaced stove and washer when they failed within 12 hours of each other.
- April – Freezer accidentally thawed; salmon, bacon, tomato sauce and strawberry rhubarb pies for a week.
- June – Faked intention to complete summer math workbooks.
- July – Forgot to schedule a birthday party for Child #2.
- August – Child #3 throws up in the saloon at Buckskin Joe’s Wild West World.
- November – Shovel first 12″ snowstorm of the year. Hurray!
- December – Shovel first 22″ snowstorm of the year. Hurray!
Tomorrow, excerpts from 2011…
Read other years: