Now that we have a week of summer break under our belts, and the report cards have arrived with all their glorious news, I’ve taken some time to reflect on our school year and the valuable lessons we learned:
- Physics: An object (such as a yogurt cup) when visited upon by a greater force (you sitting on it) will leak all over your backpack.
- Band: It is generally advisable to bring your musical instrument home from school on the day of the band concert.
- Shop: For best results, empty a pencil sharpener before you stow it in your backpack.
- Health: Just because they use that language in the video, it doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for the school cafeteria.
- Chemistry: If you leave fruit in your water bottle for three days, you can create alcohol, and on a related note…
- Biology: A lunchbox containing food, when left at school for a week, will generate penicillin.
- Literature: The Handmaid’s Tale is not an uplifting read, but you can get away with using profanity in your book report.
- Technology: If you don’t keep an eye on your Instagram settings, your mother will make you spend an entire Saturday morning blocking all your followers.
That’s all today, class.