Ha, ha, ha! Oh, you were serious? Clearly the writer of today’s sad and desperate search term is not a regular reader. I can’t even get my kids to set the table or empty the dishwasher on a normal day. What makes you think I can get them to deck the halls?
But in the spirit of shared desperation, I’ll offer these simple tasks children and teens can help with in the run-up to the holidays.
- Wrap gifts. Make sure they use an obscene amount of gift wrap and an entire roll of tape. Corners need not be square, the pattern on the paper need not be straight. Just tell them to go for it. That paper will get ripped to shreds when it’s opened anyway.
- Make bourbon balls. Oh, wait – is it OK for kids to handle bourbon in a cooking setting, or can I get into some kind of trouble for that? Not that I think they would actually drink the bourbon, but they might spill it and we do have some cats with poor judgment so I could end up on the wrong side of the ASPCA.
- String holiday lights. Never mind that your children are merely 4 feet tall, they can hang them at shrub height. If it disturbs you, and you want to view the lights from below, just lie down in the yard. You’ll probably feel like doing this anyway as the holidays approach.
- Put together that *@!#$* fake tree. Right, it looks almost real. If you stand 25 feet away and squint. Once it’s up, have them tear recklessly through boxes of carefully packed ornaments looking for the most fragile. Make sure they fight over who gets to hang them.
- Sweep up broken ornaments. See above.
- Have them learn carols to perform for your guests. They can sing in unison or, if they are over-achievers, in harmony. Not only will you be able to listen in rapt attention as they learn their parts, you can trot them out like the Von Trapps (matching outfits optional). This task is so wonderful because it is something they can do together. It will be even more fun than getting a single child to practice the piano.
Oh, the blessed holidays. I can feel my spirits rising already. Now, where is that bourbon?
A disclaimer: While it perhaps shouldn’t need saying, let me remind you that I have no credentials, training or certifications of any kind that would qualify me to mete out advice to anyone. This is a humor blog. If you don’t find it funny, well, that’s another issue.