#5: Company Christmas party on Christmas Eve

holiday matrix

Or, 10 excuses to get you out of the annual office holiday party.

When I wrote my satirical holiday series last year, I never imagined there were actually employers cruel enough to schedule the annual office party on Christmas Eve. However, the blighted individual behind today’s sad and desperate search term seems to work for Ebenezer Scrooge himself.

While I may be too late to save this poor soul, here are a few excuses to get you out of that lousy, last-minute need to feign office goodwill.

I’m sorry, I can’t attend this year because…

  1. I have a delivery to pick up in Whoville.
  2. It takes me hours to position my elf on the shelf.
  3. I think I’m coming down with the flu, and wouldn’t dream of disrupting the blessed holiday events of my beloved coworkers.
  4. I have to assemble a 1000-piece wooden, Victorian dollhouse, and a bicycle this evening.
  5. I still have Christmas shopping to do.
  6. I’m trying to make the last post office pick-up time before the holidays.
  7. If I don’t get to the grocery store, we’ll be having spaghetti and meatballs for Christmas dinner.
  8. I have to thaw a turkey.
  9. I hit the Christmas prune strudel a little early and must stay near the facilities.
  10. I need to pick up my items for Valentine’s Day before the stores are sold out.

I hope one of these will suit you. If not, and you’re in the holiday spirit, please share your no-fail excuse for skipping the office party in the comments. Consider it your selfless gift to mankind.

Read the holiday series

Read the original series

A disclaimer: While it perhaps shouldn’t need saying, let me remind you that I have no credentials, training or certifications of any kind that would qualify me to mete out advice to anyone. This is a humor blog. If you don’t find it funny, well, that’s another issue.

The work-at-home personnel manual

Even though I have a business office I frequently find myself working at home, especially when the kids are off for the summer.

“It’s great,” I say when asked, “It’s easier than dragging my stuff back and forth and I can throw in the occasional load of laundry.”

But the truth is, there are days it is anything but great. To get me and other work-at-home parents through the summer, I am issuing the following personnel policies:

Business Hours
Scheduling is to be determined strictly by me with consideration of meetings, work assignments, sports activities, medical and orthodontic appointments, lessons, camps, workshops and haircuts. Requests for a modification to the schedule must be submitted for approval in a timely fashion especially if it involves my driving you somewhere.

Standards of Conduct
Our brand is important to us, therefore it is critical to maintain a professional image at all times. That means you may not knock loudly on my office door, nor burst in yelling, “Mom, he hit me in the (privates),” when I am on the phone with a client.

Use of Company Assets
Do not borrow my tape, stapler or scissors, and do not use my good laser printer paper to make scavenger hunt maps, “flames” for your make-believe campfire, or drawings of elaborate military installations. That is what the giant box of scrap paper is for.

Use of Facilities
Please clean up after using the lunch facilities, including washing your dishes, cleaning the microwave, and replacing all food items including milk, mayo, yogurt, and cottage cheese, or anything else that might give the rest of us food poisoning if left out. Toilets are to be flushed and towels hung up after each use. Keep the floors clear of clutter by stowing Legos, dirty laundry, books, and shoes in their proper location.

Technology Policy
Use of video screens including mobile devices, phones and televisions will be limited to two hours per day (I mean it!). Use of my wi-if hot spot is strictly prohibited – violators will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including having to pay the overage fees on my cell phone bill.

Security and Safety Guidelines
Keep walkways and stairways free of clutter. Do not leave doors unlocked and/or wide open when you leave home. Do not insert a knife or other metal object into the toaster; also do not stand idly by while your friend sticks a metal object in the toaster. Wear adequate sun protection at all times. Management is not responsible for sunburns, sun rashes, and/or peeling skin. Immediately report any evidence of smoke, blood, or standing water to the management.

Dress Code
Personnel shall exit pajamas and put on regular clothing before the hour of 10:00 a.m. Those leaving home should ensure their heads, behinds, feet and bra straps are adequately covered for the activity at hand. “It’s in the dirty laundry” is not an accepted excuse for inadequate dress.

Anti-Harassment Policy
Making derogatory statements, yelling and issuing threats are strictly prohibited unless they are a component of an action visited upon you by me. Fighting is grounds for immediate termination.

What did I miss?