#1: Anxiety dreams involving my kids

desertIn a recent post, I promised to provide some advice to those whose tortured search terms hit my blog. Today’s installment: Anxiety dreams involving my kids.

My first thought when reading this phrase was, wait – don’t all your anxiety dreams involve your kids? But of course, they don’t. There are plenty of topics to disturb one’s sleep. I have lately had a string of anxiety dreams about my house, but I won’t elaborate because I think I can get another blog post out of it.

But I digress. If you have kids I’d be amazed if you didn’t have anxiety dreams about them, nor do I think it’s hard to figure out the underlying fears that cause them:

  1. You’re afraid they’ll get lost
  2. You’re afraid they’ll get hurt
  3. You’re afraid they’ll hurt others
  4. You’re afraid they’ll drive you to financial ruin
  5. All of the above

This is perfectly normal. When you awake from one of these dreams, just take a few deep breaths and decide what punishment or suspension of privileges you will inflict on your children for whatever it is they did in your dream.

Strangely, some of the most anxious dreams I’ve had about my kids have happy endings. I once dreamed I was heading down a stairwell to a basement-level restaurant with a stroller containing my infant son. At the top of the stairwell, I let go of the carriage á la the pivotal scene from The Untouchables. As it raced toward the bottom, my husband gallantly stepped up to the bottom of the stairs and caught it. Crisis averted.

One of the few dreams I’ve had where my husband was credited with the competence he likely deserves.

 

A disclaimer: While it perhaps shouldn’t need saying, let me remind you that I have no credentials, training or certifications of any kind that would qualify me to mete out advice to anyone. This is a humor blog. If you don’t find it funny, well, that’s another issue.

Search terms of the sad and desperate

sosIt seems the search terms used to hit my blog are written by people so desperate for advice or supporting evidence, they’ll craft long, elaborate phrases searching for answers. The poor souls get no help from me. Until now.

Some background: A few weeks ago the blogger at Idiot-prufs published a hilarious post about the funny search terms people use to hit his site. It sent me off to look at my search terms, which it turns out are not funny at all.

Other than the only mildly amusing “will i am wears black sweater” and “can I own a cannon“, mine are populated with what I’ve taken to calling Search Terms of the Sad and Desperate.

Clearly these people have nowhere to turn if they are seeking out my blog for help and advice. So I thought I should take some action.

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to respond to a few of these issues with the type of unqualified, largely useless advice one might expect from a random blog. Stay tuned for the first installment: Anxiety dreams involving my kids.