Now that we have a week of summer break under our belts, and the report cards have arrived with all their glorious news, I’ve taken some time to reflect on our school year and the valuable lessons we learned:
- Physics: An object (such as a yogurt cup) when visited upon by a greater force (you sitting on it) will leak all over your backpack.
- Band: It is generally advisable to bring your musical instrument home from school on the day of the band concert.
- Shop: For best results, empty a pencil sharpener before you stow it in your backpack.
- Health: Just because they use that language in the video, it doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for the school cafeteria.
- Chemistry: If you leave fruit in your water bottle for three days, you can create alcohol, and on a related note…
- Biology: A lunchbox containing food, when left at school for a week, will generate penicillin.
- Literature: The Handmaid’s Tale is not an uplifting read, but you can get away with using profanity in your book report.
- Technology: If you don’t keep an eye on your Instagram settings, your mother will make you spend an entire Saturday morning blocking all your followers.
That’s all today, class.
Those few of you who are regular readers know that I spend much of my summer working at the beach while my kids try to avoid and/or drown each other.
I’m able to do this because I’m a copywriter so my work is highly portable, and because our wonderful, local beach, which is the best value on the planet, has wi-fi. So not only can I work, I don’t even have to use my own data plan.
But I’ve gotten a bit lazy, I guess, because I failed to bring my hotspot along today and, woe is me, the beach wi-fi was inoperative.
It’s at about this time in a post where I mention beach wi-fi that readers far and wide begin to mock me. Sounds pretty cushy, huh? But in my defense, without wi-fi I don’t have much to do. I’m not the mom with the San Tropez tan. I’m the one in street clothes carrying a laptop and a file folder stuffed with edited drafts, and to-do lists. So no wi-fi means I run out of work about the time my kids have their sunscreen applied.
And there are really only a few other things to do:
- People watch. Wow, I really hate to people watch. I don’t find total strangers that interesting until I converse with them, at which point they lose total stranger status. As for just watching them? Yawn.
- Nap…………………Sorry, I dozed off for a few minutes until someone shrieked and woke me up.
- Eavesdrop on the nanny gossip. This is some juicy stuff, folks. Better screen those caregivers wisely.
- Swim. Except it’s June in Minnesota and the water is a cool 72 degrees today, which may sound warm in the middle of January, but not when the air temperature is only 80 and the wind’s blowing at about 30 mph. Would you take a 72 degree bath with a fan trained on you? No, you would not.
- Practice your stern lifeguard impression. Say it along with me, at top volume and/or through a megaphone:
NO RUNNING ON THE BIG DOCK!
DO NOT SIT ON THE BUOY LINE!
ONLY ONE PERSON AT A TIME ON THE LADDER!
All phrases that will come in handy at a later time, especially that ladder one.
Or you can just keep checking the wi-fi connection over and over until your thumbs fall off, or it comes back on. Which it never did today. So I have learned a valuable lesson in preparedness.
(Published at 0 plus 5 minutes after returning from the beach.)